Another check up...

First of all I want to thank everyone who expressed their love and concern to us, especially the last week. Jon and I are both overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and compassion that so many of you have shown to us... THANK YOU!!! We continue to struggle with so many unanswered questions, but we can't change things and today we are accepting the unknown better, so that's a blessing. Who knows how we'll feel about things tomorrow, but at least today is a better and brighter day.

Jon goes in for his 4 week check up again... these appointments are becoming all too routine for us. It's all part of our new life. Jon has been experiencing a lot more neck pain, and that is definitely going to be a topic of conversation today. He's been on vicodin for the last 4 weeks to help ease the pain, and some days it helps and others not so much. I'll be honest, I HATE that he is taking it (I don't tell him that), but I also completely understand that he needs relief and if that's how he can get some relief then I need to get over that hatred. I truly understand that they are needed in this situation, it's just hard for me to stomach, because honestly I've seen too many people get messed up because of pain meds, not to mention lives ruined, and I just don't want our journey to take that route.

Ugh, I just worry too much... I know I need to let things go, easier said than done, but I have to try!!! I came across this saying this morning on Pinterest... it hit me hard... hard enough to make me cry, but sometimes you just need that...

I think I may need to frame it and put it where I can see it as a constant reminder, that no matter how bad it gets or how low I feel that God has a perfect plan for Jon and I, and this journey with {Lyme}... we will survive, tears will be shed, nights may be sleepless, questions unanswered, but it's our journey and we'll fight it together and we're going to be stronger because of it all.

Make EVERY Moment Count!!!!

Today I want to...

GIVE UP!!!!

Today just plain sucks!!!

I'm feeling very consumed by {Lyme} and {Life} right now.

To add to our long list of stress, our beloved Pug, Mattie Sue has been rapidly going down hill. She's almost 11 and honestly has lived a great life, but the last year she has really slowed down. Last night she was up all night... poor thing couldn't breath... broke my heart. We've had the conversation about what's going to happen, and honestly last night I thought we were at the end. She's a little fighter though, and today is resting comfortably, so while my "good-bye's" that were said in the middle of the night, I'm extremely grateful that my little pug is still holding on. I'm really not ready to make the final decision to say good-bye.

As for Lyme... well, it's catching up to us in many ways. Jon's been dealing with a lot of neck pain the last few days, and hasn't been working full days near as much. Sometimes work is just slow, but mostly because he just can't do it. Well, when you don't work, you don't get paid... and it sucks. So today I find myself stressing over $, and which bill to pay and which bill is just going to have to wait... I hate this feeling!!! It's not Jon's fault. He can't help that he's sick. I know I sometimes take it out on him and that alone makes me feel terrible, but I'm only human right?!?! Today I feel like it's me though... maybe I'm not doing my part... I know I selfishly want to be home with the girls and have also been blessed to do so in the summer, but maybe that's just not an option anymore. I'm devastated about it... I feel bad that I'm not providing more... We've never wanted to put $ over our family, and family will ALWAYS be more important, but today, well... it just sucks. I'm not asking for pity or handouts, that's just not how we work, but I just need to write things out... I'm depressed, holding way too much inside and I'm not sure how much longer mentally I can do it without breaking down. As I sit here and type through the tears, I in some weird way feel better. I know many of you know of my passion for photography, and how much heart and soul I've put into Captured Memories. I have always wanted to keep it a love in my life and to be able to offer my talent to others so they can always cherish those memories at a reasonable price, but maybe that needs to change... maybe I need to up my prices... maybe I need to quit working for the school and photography all together and find something full time and become the source of income for our family... I don't know... these are all just rambling thoughts, nothing set in stone... today is just not the day to make any harsh decisions... but believe me, they are on my mind more often than just today.

I guess I've been holding a lot in lately... I wish I was better about letting things go, before I break down and feel like I'm drowning... but this is me... this is my life today and a BIG part of it is because of a damn little bug... that was not welcome here, but invaded our lives anyways... WHY!?!?!?

Please pray for Jon... he goes back to the doctor on Monday... not sure what will happen at the appointment, but we'll just have to wait... something that is definitely hard to stomach some days. Pray for the girls as they too have to adjust to this life. I try to be brave, but today has not been one of those days. I'm grateful mom Van Dyke could come to sit with the girls at the pool today so I could just breakdown. Yeah, I'm supposed to be going through all my client pics, so I'm ready to edit when my new computer screen comes in, but instead I sit here crying my eyes out... listening to their giggles in the pool,  the snoring of Jon on the couch, and "somewhere over the rainbow" on Pandora... it's really overwhelming today... tomorrow is a new day, right?!?!

If you made it this far, congrats to you... sometimes life just sucks, and you just want to give up... we're all only human... most people hide behind their crappy days... today, I just can't... and I'm okay with that... it feels good to be honest, this is my life... our life... our life in the {lyme} light... while I really want to throw my hands up and quit, I can't... I must push on... through the tears... I must find that reason to "Make EVERY Moment Count!!!"

the view from my viewfinder...

Here are a few pictures from our "Making EVERY moment count" vacation. Sorry there are so many, it was hard to pick favorites...

Home Sweet Home!!!

We had an AMAZING time up north. It was great for us to go away, and to make memories with each other. It was HOT, HOT, HOT, but well worth it :) Vacationing is different when Lyme tags along, but Jon was a trooper and enjoyed the time away too. His body required more stops along the way, as well as more naps. We really wanted this to be a relaxing vacation, and it was for the most part, but anytime you go away you always come home exhausted, and that is how we are all feeling today. We took the scenic route to the bridge and it was worth it. We enjoyed lunch at Don's Drive Inn... yum, yum, yum. It was fun taking the girls to places we went to on our honeymoon 10+ years ago. The girls enjoyed the pools and indoor water parks. They certainly are little fish :) On Friday we crossed the Mighty Mac and headed to the Mystery Spot and Deer Ranch. It was a lot of fun watching Claudia at the Mystery Spot... you could see the wheels spinning in her little head. I personally LOVED watching Jon with the girls at Deer Ranch, they fed & touched a lot of deer, and I could tell he was loving every minute of his girls being interested in the deer. However, the fun there was quickly overcome with panic as Chloe had an allergic reaction to something. Poor thing was dealing with some allergy issues, but in a matter of less than 2 minutes her entire face swelled. She couldn't see out of her eyes, and was covered with hives and lot's of swelling. We think one of the deer up there had fly spray on them and that set off a major reaction for her. Luckily I had allergy meds with me, so I gave her the max dose and we quickly made our way to McD's so we could get her out of the heat and I could give her a bath. It was definitely scary, but after about an hour she was starting to act more like herself and she was able to see out of her eyes again. Later that night we did some walking downtown Mackinaw City and that was really nice. The heat had finally let up a little and we were enjoying the nice breeze. It was greatly appreciate, because it was HOT, and having no air in the van made it even hotter, but we all sweated it out together :) When we got back to our hotel, Jon's mom and I put the little  & big kids to bed and then made our way over the Mighty Mac again to try our luck at the casino. We tried our best to come home with more $$ in our pockets, unfortunately that didn't happen, but we did have a great time. Our ride home was nice too. We stopped by the farm that the boys hunt at, and we visited with dad's cousin Dave for a bit and Jon showed the girls where he deer hunts... they even got to use the bathroom in daddy's trailer. It was GREAT to get away, but it was really nice to come home too.

I have a bazillion pictures from the trip, surprise surprise, but my computer screen is all messed up so looking at pictures isn't an option right now, but I will definitely post pics, once I'm back up and running again.

Please continue to think of Jon and to pray for him as he tries to "recover" from vacation. He's been having A LOT of neck pain lately and the exhaustion is getting the best of him. He's supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I know he's not looking forward to it for many reasons. Today is also Jon's last day for his nasty meds... he'll have a week off and then back at it for 2 weeks. They definitely didn't hit him as hard this time as they did the last time (and we are thankful for that), but it's still been a rough few weeks.

We have SO much to be thankful for right now though. We hope you all had a wonderful 4th of July "week" and that you were all able to Make EVERY moment count!!!