Today I want to...

GIVE UP!!!!

Today just plain sucks!!!

I'm feeling very consumed by {Lyme} and {Life} right now.

To add to our long list of stress, our beloved Pug, Mattie Sue has been rapidly going down hill. She's almost 11 and honestly has lived a great life, but the last year she has really slowed down. Last night she was up all night... poor thing couldn't breath... broke my heart. We've had the conversation about what's going to happen, and honestly last night I thought we were at the end. She's a little fighter though, and today is resting comfortably, so while my "good-bye's" that were said in the middle of the night, I'm extremely grateful that my little pug is still holding on. I'm really not ready to make the final decision to say good-bye.

As for Lyme... well, it's catching up to us in many ways. Jon's been dealing with a lot of neck pain the last few days, and hasn't been working full days near as much. Sometimes work is just slow, but mostly because he just can't do it. Well, when you don't work, you don't get paid... and it sucks. So today I find myself stressing over $, and which bill to pay and which bill is just going to have to wait... I hate this feeling!!! It's not Jon's fault. He can't help that he's sick. I know I sometimes take it out on him and that alone makes me feel terrible, but I'm only human right?!?! Today I feel like it's me though... maybe I'm not doing my part... I know I selfishly want to be home with the girls and have also been blessed to do so in the summer, but maybe that's just not an option anymore. I'm devastated about it... I feel bad that I'm not providing more... We've never wanted to put $ over our family, and family will ALWAYS be more important, but today, well... it just sucks. I'm not asking for pity or handouts, that's just not how we work, but I just need to write things out... I'm depressed, holding way too much inside and I'm not sure how much longer mentally I can do it without breaking down. As I sit here and type through the tears, I in some weird way feel better. I know many of you know of my passion for photography, and how much heart and soul I've put into Captured Memories. I have always wanted to keep it a love in my life and to be able to offer my talent to others so they can always cherish those memories at a reasonable price, but maybe that needs to change... maybe I need to up my prices... maybe I need to quit working for the school and photography all together and find something full time and become the source of income for our family... I don't know... these are all just rambling thoughts, nothing set in stone... today is just not the day to make any harsh decisions... but believe me, they are on my mind more often than just today.

I guess I've been holding a lot in lately... I wish I was better about letting things go, before I break down and feel like I'm drowning... but this is me... this is my life today and a BIG part of it is because of a damn little bug... that was not welcome here, but invaded our lives anyways... WHY!?!?!?

Please pray for Jon... he goes back to the doctor on Monday... not sure what will happen at the appointment, but we'll just have to wait... something that is definitely hard to stomach some days. Pray for the girls as they too have to adjust to this life. I try to be brave, but today has not been one of those days. I'm grateful mom Van Dyke could come to sit with the girls at the pool today so I could just breakdown. Yeah, I'm supposed to be going through all my client pics, so I'm ready to edit when my new computer screen comes in, but instead I sit here crying my eyes out... listening to their giggles in the pool,  the snoring of Jon on the couch, and "somewhere over the rainbow" on Pandora... it's really overwhelming today... tomorrow is a new day, right?!?!

If you made it this far, congrats to you... sometimes life just sucks, and you just want to give up... we're all only human... most people hide behind their crappy days... today, I just can't... and I'm okay with that... it feels good to be honest, this is my life... our life... our life in the {lyme} light... while I really want to throw my hands up and quit, I can't... I must push on... through the tears... I must find that reason to "Make EVERY Moment Count!!!"